SVH Bitchin’

Elizabeth looks like an angry governess who babysits Jessica. Well, essentially she does babysit her sister, but still. Chill, Liz.

The story opens with Jessica whining about how hideous she looks, even though the ghostwriter sys that she was “as usual, too gorgeous for words.” I think I’m having déjà vu – isn’t this exactly how the last book began? Oh, geez, there I go again, expecting creativity. Jess is pining hardcore for Bruce Patman, who is “movie-star handsome”, “fabulously rich”, and drives a black Porsche. He’s also a dick, which means he’s pretty much perfect for our resident blond whore. Additionally, Jess is ready to commit homicide to be crowned queen of the fall dance. Another one? SVH is working hard to fill its dance quota for the year.

Meanwhile, Enid is losin’ her shit at the prospect of her boyfriend Ronnie Edwards not loving her anymore if he finds out her dark past, which involves copious drug use and hitting a little kid in her friend George Warren’s GTO while “stoned out of their minds”. Obviously the kid lived, since people who are stoned out of their minds drive about five miles per hour, but it was enough to scare Enid straight. As Enid tells her story, Liz gazes at her with sympathy, and Enid can’t help but think how pretty she is. My God. Enid reminds me of Marcia Brady’s lesbian best friend Noreen in the first Brady Bunch movie. Anyway, Enid’s been writing to George for two years and is scared to have Ronnie find out because Ronnie’s a jealous turd who gets pissed at Enid for talking to the pizza guy and instructing him not to put anchovies on her pizza. Issues much?

Liz and Enid get into a pillow fight or tickle fight or something equally ghey and George’s letter falls in the floor, providing Jess a perfect opportunity to snatch it up and make copies of it, which she does because Enid’s been nominated for the queen of the fall dance and Ronnie’s on the dance committee or something and thus has some kind of “in”. When Ronnie gets a copy of the letter, he dumps Enid’s ass and she gets all pissed at Liz, who was the only one who Enid had told about the letters, and Liz spends much of the rest of the story crying about it.

Jess continues to be a heartless cunt and cons Ronnie into taking her to the dance. She tells Liz that she’s doing so for Enid’s sake – and Liz buys it. Why, I don’t know. I’ve never seen a girl more in denial in my life. Liz, do you not know your sister at all? After a chat with the French teacher Ms. Dalton, who’s being damned thanks to a rumor claiming that she’s having an affair with foxy meathead Ken Matthews, Enid decides to suck it up and go to the dance alone. That’s when George shows up, looking all hott, dressed up, and ready to be her escort to the dance.

At the Wakefield residence, Liz finds George’s letter in her room, realizes that Jess is the unapologetic douchebag behind all this mess, and vows to get back at her sister. At the dance, Enid approaches Liz and they hug and apologize and blah blah, and Enid says she doesn’t even care who’s behind breaking up her and Ronnie – she’s now all about George. Still, Liz promises Enid that the perpetrator will get their just desserts.

Jess wins queen of the fall dance and is sure that her latest love, Bruce, will get to be king, but alas – thanks to a rumor Liz started that Jess wants to bone Winston, everyone voted for him to be king. This means that Jess will be stuck with him for the rest of the semester for any big school events. (However, I think this is the last time we hear any mention of such an obligation, so don’t fear, Jess.) “Stuck” with Winston? That sounds hott. Not only is he one of the rare ones in SVH who have a fun personality, in the TV show, he was pretty cute. Plus, because he never gets any, he’ll probably be eager to please in the sack. But I digress.

Jess has the gall to yell at Liz, “How could you do such a horrendous thing to me?… You practically ruined my life!” Bitch, please. Take some meds and get ta steppin’.

Other Notes:

· Cara Walker tells Jess that when she was tossed in the pool, she looked like Bo Derek in 10. Dude, don’t encourage her.
· In an effort to cheer up Enid, Liz initiates “Project C.C.Cookie” and vows that if she tells Enid’s secret, Enid can “bury her alive in chocolate chip cookie batter.” ::hangs self::
· At one point, Jess is sitting on a stool and crosses her legs, “making sure her hemline was just far enough above her knee to make it interesting.” Seriously, Jess. And you were really surprised by Rick Andover’s motives?
· At one point, Todd reminds Liz that she’s going to the dance with an awesome guy (read: him), and she jokes, “Burt Reynolds is taking me to the dance?” Burt Reynolds? Was he ever attractive to sixteen-year-old girls, even in 1983?
· The Droids – the only band at SVH, apparently – are playing a “steamy Linda Ronstadt tune” at the dance. Hott.
· Lila is all pissed at Papa Fowler for dating Ms. Dalton, and was behind the rumor that Ms. Dalton and Ken Matthews were bumping uglies, even though SHE was Ken’s date for the dance. She also drinks her dad’s expensive French wine and has parties when he’s out of town, justifying her behavior by saying, “It’s his own fault for not spending more time at home.” Electra complex, anyone?
· It’s in this book we get our first description of Mr. Collins that refers to him as basically Robert Redford’s twin!